In Their Shadow

Although there, you were missing

Then you left; gone

Your disease and untimely death a manifestation of shame and sorrow

Consumption in the stead of answers, help and love

Depression, your uniform

I watched and learned

And absorbed like little boys absorb their fathers

And ran, when I realized it could kill me too

Yes, you were there, but not, and you talked, but said nothing

The dullness of drink, buying time

You, too, lost your father, young, to disease

He, too, left you, never seen again

Although he breathed, and sat for dinner, and giggled about gravy boats

The social stigma of his disease more powerful yet

Than the disability of his disease, your father, so young yet

Your mother at his side

The necessary omnipresence belying her desire to flee

Equally subdued, absent and ashamed

Of your father, who’s bearing was waived

No longer witness, to me, either, begging silently for touch and guidance

Of my mother and her father, a man with no name

Not a word was uttered

I had no knowledge; he did not exist, in manner

Until I understood the need of some

To forget they were born of the flesh of men

who betray the flesh of their young

And die of a memory trick

Yea, these men did guide me

In misadventure, uncertainty, fear and dismay

No purpose, creativity nor confidence

Until I wrote, in celebration

My essence, all along, was expression, of written sorts

That is, now, who I am, and who they made